I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
