Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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