you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize