Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
