cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
