i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
