Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
