i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
