Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
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