This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I will be naked everywhere
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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