im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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