Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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