I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Randomize
