I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
