Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize