he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
