Are we in a gay sports bar?
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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