cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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