he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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