I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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