On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
