i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
