my phone needs a breathalizer
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
