no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
