dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
