that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
