The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
