I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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