What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
