I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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