gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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