Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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