I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Randomize
