You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize