So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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