True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
