I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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