I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
