MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
