i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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