You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
