The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
