this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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