I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
