hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
