He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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