Apparently you make a good broom.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
