Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
