I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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