So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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