the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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