The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
