I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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