Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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