Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
