Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
