so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
