My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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