hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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