the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
